just got back from sunny's house. I was having a hard time after dinner, so weird all of a sudden. I got up the ability to call sunny knowing that I'll probably cry a lot.

I knew i had to talk to someone, and i knew it couldn't be him. As much as I wanted to, and it killed me not to pick up the phone and call him. I had a panic attack in the shower and I could not breath. This is the second panic attack i've ever had, i think, maybe first. It really really sucked because although i was breathing no air seemed to be going in. My fingers started getting tingly and i knew that was a sign of oxygen deprivation. I tried slow deep breaths and i lied down. It made it better. Thats when i decided to call.

As I was leaving though he called me. I wanted to just go over and have him comfort me like yesterday, which was such a bad idea, but I didn't. I feel like I want it to happen again. I want that emotional attachment. My heart hurts so much knowing I can't have that. My brain keeps trying to rationalize. It just works for a while then everything falls apart again. I can't go through this cycle everyday, every weekend. I'm starting to be that girl. I hate that. I wish everything wasn't so complicated and we could just be happy together.

We talked about everything, including her problems. After soju though, everything seems better. Its still good right now. Melanie tried to convince me that I don't need to be around for this. This crazy 21 stage that's driven us apart. I really hope that his life stops being so obsessed with partying. I hate even trying to convince myself that because it might never come true and i'll be waiting forever. I just hate being at this stage. I just want to move on, I want to meet someone new and I want to know what its like to be in a real relationship.

Please, just be strong. Don't call him this week. I called when i got home and i talked to him for a while. It was going fine but he was busy and he was gonna go out. Once again, indication that it'll never work. I need to get it through my head. I keep thinking we can get back together. I keep thinking that if I pleaded with him, he'll give it to me. I know better than that.

I need to stop.

BE STRONG